If you’ve ever struggled with mental health and been fortunate enough to have someone to talk to during depression or hard days, you might have heard the phrase, “But you have so much to be thankful for.” While the intention behind these words is likely to offer comfort and support, for someone in the midst of a struggle, they can feel more like a slap in the face.
The first time someone said this to me during my struggle, I felt like the smallest human in the world. I was already drowning in harmful, endless mind chatter: You’re a burden. No one understands you. You’re completely alone. These words, meant to comfort, only pushed me further into the hole of darkness I was trying to escape.
In moments like these, gratitude felt impossible. I wasn’t thankful for anything because my focus was consumed by just wanting the suffering to end. Hearing about all the things I “should” be grateful for only made it worse, because I wasn’t thankful for them—and that felt like yet another failure on my part.
In fact, the things I should have felt gratitude for were the very things I felt worst about. Being a mom felt impossible because I had nothing left to give. I felt like I was disappointing my husband by not keeping up with my marital duties. I convinced myself that my family would be better off without me. In the depths of that darkness, those words of “encouragement” only deepened my pain.
What Would Have Helped Instead
Down the road, I discovered phrases that were far more helpful. Simple, validating statements like:
- “That’s a hard place to be in.”
- “I know life feels heavy right now, but it can get better. What’s one thing you can do today for self-care?”
- “How can I help?”
Validation is such an underused superpower. It was exactly what I needed more of. For someone on the outside, it might have seemed like my misery was self-induced, but depression is a mental illness—my brain was fighting against my heart, and it was winning. The dark, distorted thoughts felt so real that I accepted them as truth. The only way out for me was professional and medical support.
What to Avoid
It’s hard for many people to understand that depression and mental illness aren’t about willpower or lack of faith. Telling someone they just need to pray more, or that they’re struggling because they’ve fallen away from God, isn’t helpful—it’s harmful.
Pointing out someone’s struggles with addiction, drinking, or other coping mechanisms as the root of their problem also isn’t the answer. For someone deep in depression’s grip, drinking or other numbing behaviors might be the only way they know to shut off the overwhelming thoughts. These moments aren’t the time for interventions or lectures.
What We Really Need
In the darkest times, what we need most is someone to sit with us. To listen. To remind us that we are not alone. That our load is heavy, but we don’t have to carry it by ourselves.
We need someone to cover us with love, to remind us that we are worthy, and to support us in seeking the help we need. PTSD research shows that those who struggle often experience real, physical changes in their brain. This isn’t a fault or a failure.
We need to feel like we’re not a burden or an inconvenience. Sometimes, simply having someone acknowledge that truth can make all the difference. Together, we can lighten the load, and step by step, find a way to win the battle over the mind
.