Peer Reflections

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Tag: regulation

  • Emotional Regulation: Anger

    Getting to Know Anger

    If I were to ask you what makes you angry, you could probably come up with a long list—politics, relationships, pet peeves, and so on. Most of us can easily identify external triggers.

    If I were to ask what anger looks like, you might list things like furrowed brows, crossed arms, yelling, slamming doors, or even physical violence. And while these are common expressions of anger, they aren’t anger itself. They’re reactions to anger—patterns we’ve learned over time.

    But what if we could break those patterns? Through emotional regulation, we can learn to recognize anger as it arises and remain calm enough to respond rather than react.

    Think about a time when anger led to an automatic reaction:

    Imagine you’re driving, and another car suddenly cuts you off, forcing you to slam on the brakes. If you’re anything like me, your instinct might be to lay on the horn, throw up a middle finger, yell profanities, and maybe even tailgate out of frustration—only feeling relief once they’re out of sight. 

    Sound familiar?

    Believe it or not, this reaction isn’t necessarily healthy. Many of us react this way because we’ve seen it modeled around us. But these automatic reactions don’t actually help—they just keep us stuck in cycles of stress and frustration. Emotional regulation gives us a different choice: to notice anger, understand its purpose, and respond intentionally rather than impulsively.

    Why Do We Feel Anger?

    Anger is a protective emotion. It shows up when we feel wronged, threatened, unheard, disrespected, or when something feels unfair. Anger can also reveal what we’re passionate about—what matters to us.

    Using the driving example, anger could stem from:

    • A sense of threat—your safety (or that of your loved ones) was put at risk.
    • A need for control—you were following the rules, and someone else wasn’t.
    • A feeling of unfairness—why should you have to slam on the brakes because of their carelessness?

    The truth is, anger, frustration, and irritation all serve a purpose. But if we’re not careful, unchecked anger can lead to reactions that create more harm than good.

    What to Notice

    One way to start regulating anger is by noticing how it feels in your body before it fully takes over.

    These physical changes happen before we lash out. And that’s where we have power—by catching anger in this stage, we can shift from reacting to responding.

    Anger often brings subtle physiological shifts—like early warning signs from your body:

    • Increased heart rate
    • Shallow, huffy breathing
    • Rising blood pressure
    • Clenched teeth or tight muscles
    • Flushed face or increased body heat
    • Shaking or even unexpected tears

    Shifting the Pattern

    Once we recognize anger’s early signs, we can choose how to respond. Here’s what that might look like in real time:

    🚗 A car cuts you off.
    😤 You feel anger rising—your heart pounds, your face gets hot, your muscles tense.
    🛑 Instead of reacting impulsively, you pause.
    💨 You take a deep breath.
    🤔 You think: “That was rude, but I’m glad my brakes work. Maybe they weren’t paying attention. Either way, I’m safe.”
    🎶 You turn up the music, focus on your driving, and let it go.

    By choosing to respond instead of react, you keep yourself emotionally regulated—and, more importantly, you keep yourself safe.

    And here’s the thing: your anger is still valid. That driver was careless. It is frustrating. But instead of letting them control your emotional state, you take control of your own reaction.

    Anger in Relationships

    Road rage isn’t the only place we see automatic anger reactions. Relationships—whether with friends, family, or coworkers—are occasionally a potential trigger for anger.

    Instead of getting stuck in yelling, debating, or escalating arguments, we can practice a simple but powerful tool: pausing the conversation.

    “Hey, I’m noticing that I’m feeling really elevated right now. I want to stay level-headed because this conversation is important to me. I need to take a short break, and we can pick this back up soon.”

    Stepping away allows your body to reset so you don’t say something you regret. During that time, you can:

    • Drink some water
    • Go for a short walk
    • Eat something (low blood sugar affects mood!)
    • Take deep breaths

    Final Thoughts

    Our patterns can change over time. The only way to practice emotional regulation is by experiencing these emotions in real time and choosing new responses.

    Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing personal reflections on my own anger patterns—how they used to look and how they’ve changed. Stay tuned.

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  • Emotional Regulation Myths

    Regulating our emotions is something we’ve been doing since we were babies. Back then, it was purely instinctive—crying when we were hungry, cold, or gassy. Our caregivers had to play a guessing game to figure out what we needed. Over time, we learned to smile, laugh, and eventually talk—developing new ways to express ourselves. But what many of us don’t realize is that this process of learning and adjusting our emotional responses continues throughout our lives.

    To build a healthier relationship with our emotions, we need to dismantle old beliefs and thought patterns. Just like we set our intentions with gratitude, we can take the time to notice, be curious, and remain nonjudgmental. What are some of the thoughts and beliefs you hold about emotions? Do they align with what you know to be true?

    Here are three common myths about emotional regulation:

    Myth 1: Emotions Are Either “Good” or “Bad”

    Many of us were taught that emotions fit into neat categories—joy and happiness were “good,” while sadness and anger were “bad” or “negative.” I grew up believing this, and it shaped how I viewed and processed my emotions.

    Truth:

    The reality is, there are no “good” or “bad” emotions. Emotions are signals—they give us insight into what we’re experiencing, and each one serves a purpose. Some emotions might be easier to handle, while others challenge us, but none are inherently bad. Emotions help us make decisions, show us what matters to us, deepen our connections with others, and even help our bodies survive. The harder emotions—grief, anger, frustration—often point us toward things we feel deeply about. They don’t need to be feared or suppressed; they need to be understood.

    Myth 2: We Can Only Feel One Emotion at a Time

    We often think emotions come one at a time—if someone dies, we must feel only sadness. If there is injustice, we must be only angry. On Christmas morning, we must be only joyful.

    Truth:

    Emotions are complex and layered. We can feel many emotions at once. Christmas morning might bring joy, but it can also carry grief and nostalgia. When someone says something hurtful, we might feel both sadness and anger. While emotions are universal, they are deeply personal—two people can experience the same emotion in completely different ways. Instead of trying to categorize emotions as singular experiences, we can embrace their complexity and learn from them.

    Myth 3: Big Emotions Mean I’m Out of Control or Being “Dramatic”

    Many of us have been made to feel like big emotions—intense sadness, overwhelming joy, deep anger—mean we are out of control, overreacting, or even “crazy.”

    Truth:

    Experiencing big emotions does not mean you are out of control. It does not make you “dramatic” or “crazy.” You are allowed to feel and express emotions, no matter how intense they are. True emotional intelligence is not about suppressing feelings—it’s about recognizing, understanding, and moving through them in a healthy way. A real friend or supportive person will hold space for your emotions rather than criticize you for them. Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness—it’s a sign of strength, self-awareness, and emotional growth.

    Healthier Relationship to Emotions

    Now that we’ve broken down these myths, we can start working toward a healthier relationship with our emotions. By embracing the full spectrum of our feelings and letting go of harmful labels, we can learn to navigate our emotions in ways that honor who we are—without shame or judgment.

    For some, this means relearning what emotions truly are. Taking the time to notice, name, and explore emotions can be a crucial step in healing. Many of us were never properly taught about emotions—what they mean, how they function, or how to process them in a healthy way.

    For example, I once tied the feeling of love to things and people who were toxic. My understanding of love had been twisted from a young age, shaped by manipulation and grooming. I believed I was loved not for who I was, but for what I could offer. I had to break down even the most basic emotions—love, happiness, sadness—so I could rewire my brain to recognize what I truly needed, rather than what I had been told to accept.

    In the coming posts, I’ll be diving deeper into a few major emotion, exploring what they mean and how we can build a healthier relationship with them. I challenge you to do the same—look at each emotion, even the simplest ones, and ask yourself: What does this emotion mean to me now, as someone healing and reclaiming my story?