The overwhelming sensation of anger disturbs and disrupts—not just our vision, but our internal balance. When rage takes hold, it can feel like the only relief comes from a volatile eruption of disdain and distress, releasing the tension however we can.
For a long time, my walk with anger was exactly this—a rush for release, no matter the cost. I didn’t care who I hurt or how I used my words. I lashed out, swirling like a storm, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. This was the old me.
But I grew tired of the endless damage control, the aftermath of my internal storm spilling onto others, whether provoked or not. A need to change became undeniable. Anger is heavy. It can consume. But when I stopped fighting it and started listening, I began to understand what it was trying to reveal to me. I had to set better boundaries—not just to protect others, but to take care of myself. I had to learn how to control my anger, to recognize its signals before it spiraled into destruction.
Looking at this digital piece I created, I feel the weight of it—the ominous, heavy waves of rage. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet so real. As I reflect on this piece, flashbacks are pulling my attention-images of the old me- but I have the ability to combat these thoughts with the realization that I have come so far, I’ve done the work. I see the transformation- and that is something to celebrate!
If I were to ask you what makes you angry, you could probably come up with a long list—politics, relationships, pet peeves, and so on. Most of us can easily identify external triggers.
If I were to ask what anger looks like, you might list things like furrowed brows, crossed arms, yelling, slamming doors, or even physical violence. And while these are common expressions of anger, they aren’t anger itself. They’re reactions to anger—patterns we’ve learned over time.
But what if we could break those patterns? Through emotional regulation, we can learn to recognize anger as it arises and remain calm enough to respond rather than react.
Think about a time when anger led to an automatic reaction:
Imagine you’re driving, and another car suddenly cuts you off, forcing you to slam on the brakes. If you’re anything like me, your instinct might be to lay on the horn, throw up a middle finger, yell profanities, and maybe even tailgate out of frustration—only feeling relief once they’re out of sight.
Sound familiar?
Believe it or not, this reaction isn’t necessarily healthy. Many of us react this way because we’ve seen it modeled around us. But these automatic reactions don’t actually help—they just keep us stuck in cycles of stress and frustration. Emotional regulation gives us a different choice: to notice anger, understand its purpose, and respond intentionally rather than impulsively.
Why Do We Feel Anger?
Anger is a protective emotion. It shows up when we feel wronged, threatened, unheard, disrespected, or when something feels unfair. Anger can also reveal what we’re passionate about—what matters to us.
Using the driving example, anger could stem from:
A sense of threat—your safety (or that of your loved ones) was put at risk.
A need for control—you were following the rules, and someone else wasn’t.
A feeling of unfairness—why should you have to slam on the brakes because of their carelessness?
The truth is, anger, frustration, and irritation all serve a purpose. But if we’re not careful, unchecked anger can lead to reactions that create more harm than good.
What to Notice
One way to start regulating anger is by noticing how it feels in your body before it fully takes over.
These physical changes happen before we lash out. And that’s where we have power—by catching anger in this stage, we can shift from reacting to responding.
Anger often brings subtle physiological shifts—like early warning signs from your body:
Increased heart rate
Shallow, huffy breathing
Rising blood pressure
Clenched teeth or tight muscles
Flushed face or increased body heat
Shaking or even unexpected tears
Shifting the Pattern
Once we recognize anger’s early signs, we can choose how to respond. Here’s what that might look like in real time:
🚗 A car cuts you off. 😤 You feel anger rising—your heart pounds, your face gets hot, your muscles tense. 🛑 Instead of reacting impulsively, you pause. 💨 You take a deep breath. 🤔 You think: “That was rude, but I’m glad my brakes work. Maybe they weren’t paying attention. Either way, I’m safe.” 🎶 You turn up the music, focus on your driving, and let it go.
By choosing to respond instead of react, you keep yourself emotionally regulated—and, more importantly, you keep yourself safe.
And here’s the thing: your anger is still valid. That driver was careless. It is frustrating. But instead of letting them control your emotional state, you take control of your own reaction.
Anger in Relationships
Road rage isn’t the only place we see automatic anger reactions. Relationships—whether with friends, family, or coworkers—are occasionally a potential trigger for anger.
Instead of getting stuck in yelling, debating, or escalating arguments, we can practice a simple but powerful tool: pausing the conversation.
“Hey, I’m noticing that I’m feeling really elevated right now. I want to stay level-headed because this conversation is important to me. I need to take a short break, and we can pick this back up soon.”
Stepping away allows your body to reset so you don’t say something you regret. During that time, you can:
Drink some water
Go for a short walk
Eat something (low blood sugar affects mood!)
Take deep breaths
Final Thoughts
Our patterns can change over time. The only way to practice emotional regulation is by experiencing these emotions in real time and choosing new responses.
Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing personal reflections on my own anger patterns—how they used to look and how they’ve changed. Stay tuned.
The winter storm stirs up wonders. Through snow and wind, bending and blowing, the very things that should be buried beneath layers of ice and frozen to the earth resurface. A perfect white canvas, now speckled with autumn’s remnants.
Sometimes, healing feels like this. A storm blows through, uncovering things we thought we had buried. Triggers, past traumas—showing up at the most inopportune times. But instead of fighting it, I take notice. I don’t chastise the leaf for landing on fresh snow. I don’t demand that it disappear. Instead, I wonder—how did the wind carry it here? I notice the edges, the color-worn but not damaged.
We can make matters worse by denying what surfaces. We can freeze our hands trying to dig through the snow, desperate to put things back where they belong. Or we can simply notice. Be curious. Trust that, just like the leaf, these things will find their way—no matter how much they contrast against the untouched snow.
I am excited to share skills and tools with you, fellow readers, but before we dive in, it’s important to lay some groundwork. No structure can stand without a sturdy base, and I strongly feel it’s worth taking the time to build that foundation. This blog is not a place for quick fixes or simple solutions—it’s about meaningful, sustainable growth.
When I talk about laying the groundwork, I don’t mean core beliefs or values—that’s the foundation of you as a person, and we’ll explore those topics later. For now, I’m talking about the foundation for growth: a willingness to notice, a spark of curiosity, and the practice of observing without judgment. These three elements are all you need to start. You don’t need to be happy or have anything figured out.
Noticing, Curiosity and Non-Judgement
What then is noticing? I mean developing the ability to pause and simply observe your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without immediately reacting. Non-judgment means acknowledging what you notice without labeling it as good or bad—just letting it exist. And curiosity? That’s the spark that encourages you to explore what you notice, to ask yourself questions like, ‘Why am I feeling this way?’ or ‘What might this be telling me?’
These three skills are the foundation for growth because they help us slow down, become more present, and create space for change. They lay a foundation that allows you to understand yourself better and make informed decisions about your mental health. In future posts, we’ll explore each of these in more detail, with practical tips to help you incorporate them into your life.
Being Swept Away
For the longest time, I felt like I was being carried along by a current—no line of sight, no equipment, just being swept away. I bumped into anything in my path, not even caring if it hurt. There were moments I struggled to breathe, even hoping the water would pull me under so everything could end.
But there came a moment—a small but pivotal moment—when something inside me stirred. It wasn’t a grand epiphany or a sudden surge of strength. It was just the tiniest flicker of courage, enough to make me wonder: What if I could get out of this river? I didn’t have tools, and I had no idea what lay beyond the banks. But even with all that uncertainty, I decided to fight the current and forge my own path. The road ahead was unknown, but for the first time, I made a choice. And that choice changed everything.
Looking back, I can see how starting with those three foundational skills—just noticing, being curious, and holding back judgment—helped me begin to shift. They didn’t fix everything overnight, but they gave me something to hold onto, a way to start navigating the current instead of being pulled under by it.
Growth Is A Process
Our culture thrives on instant gratification: “I tried it for five minutes, and it didn’t work, so it must not work for me.” This mindset keeps us stuck. Growth is a process—it takes time, effort, and yes, even failure. But I don’t want this reality to discourage you. Instead, I hope to share my process—moving from oblivion about my mental and emotional needs to intentionally applying these skills, even when I stumbled or fell off track.
It’s not about perfection. It’s about showing up, trying, and making adjustments along the way. It took me seven years to go from despair to thriving, and I want to be real about that journey. Your personal growth is worth the time and effort it takes to build this foundation.
So let’s start with the basics. I’ll break things down one idea at a time, moving deliberately and intentionally. These skills can feel slow at first, but they create a foundation that will support everything that comes next. You are worth the effort it takes to build a better life—and I’ll be here to guide you every step of the way.
