Before understanding happiness
I had been depressed for a long while—it was a postpartum thing. Then one day, my darling husband told me we could finally purchase an electric fireplace for our living room. He worked overnight shifts and slept during the day, so I recruited some close family friends to help assemble the unit.
When they arrived, I was thrilled—genuinely, overwhelmingly thrilled. I was skipping around the house, radiating joy like a child on Christmas morning. It felt good to feel that way again. But then, one of the individuals made a comment:
“Your happiness seems to be too much for the situation.”
Just like that, the air left my lungs. It was such blatant judgment—of my happiness, my expression, my being. I shut down. They finished building the fireplace and left, but the joy I had felt was gone. The balloon that had been floating so high inside me popped in an instant. I sank. I went back to bed, unable to even place the unit or decorate the mantel—something I had looked forward to for days.
Their comment made me feel stupid, small, and confused about happiness and joy. Looking back now, I realize that their words shouldn’t have held so much weight. They didn’t know my story. They didn’t know how long I had been dreaming of that fireplace. They didn’t know I was clawing my way through postpartum depression. And honestly, they may not have had the emotional capacity to hold space for someone else’s joy.
Moving Forward
From that moment forward, I started to notice how others responded to my joy. It was big. It was bold. And sometimes, it made people uncomfortable. But most people don’t know my past. They don’t know the dark places I’ve crawled out of or the heaviness I’ve carried. Life hadn’t given me many reasons to celebrate, so when joy finally showed up, I wanted to feel every ounce of it.
“The worst kind of person is someone who makes you feel bad, dumb, or stupid for being excited about something.” – Taylor Swift
So many people are struggling to find even a flicker of happiness in their lives. Why in the world would anyone try to take that away from someone? These days, I let my joy overflow. I don’t care who it splashes on. They can judge me if they want to—my little heart needs to express happiness in the ways that matter to me. As long as I’m not hurting myself or others, I will celebrate freely and fully.
I Am Still Learning
To be honest, happiness is still one of the emotions I struggle with most. It’s not that I’m a negative person—it’s that it’s hard to let my guard down enough to fully feel the moment. I’m still learning. I’ve been bringing this into sessions with my therapist because I want to be honest—with myself and with you, my readers.
So often, when happiness finds me, it shows up hand-in-hand with grief. Like when something good happens, and I immediately think of the loved ones who aren’t here to share in the joy. Or times in my past when I thought I was happy, only to find out later it wasn’t real. The joy is there—but it’s complicated. It’s layered. And I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel more than one thing at once.
I get tired sometimes—tired of my grief stealing the spotlight from the good things. But I’m still learning. Still growing. And I’m continuing to walk this road of happiness, learning to balance my emotions with grace.
