Peer Reflections

Nurturing Wellness through Creativity and Compassion
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Tag: curiosity

  • Getting to Know: Happiness

    Happiness: A Fleeting Feeling or a Piece of the Puzzle?

    Happiness is one of the most sought-after emotions, yet it remains one of the most misunderstood. Unlike fear, which keeps us safe, or sadness, which allows us to process loss, happiness doesn’t seem to have a survival function. It often feels fleeting, appearing in bursts—when we hear our favorite song, experience an exciting moment, or spend time in a place that feels magical.

    Think about it—many of our most “happy” moments come from vacations, theme parks, concerts, or special events, places designed to pull us out of our daily routines. A trip to Disneyland, for example, is crafted to create a sense of magic, nostalgia, and joy. It’s an environment free from stressors like bills, deadlines, or the unpredictability of daily life. And yet, the moment we leave, reality settles back in. If happiness only exists in spaces detached from real life, then it can’t be the goal—it’s not sustainable.

    What is Happiness?

    Happiness is commonly defined as a state of pleasure, joy, or satisfaction. It can be triggered by external events, such as a fun trip, a delicious meal, or an accomplishment. However, happiness is not a permanent state—it comes and goes like any other emotion. The way society portrays happiness often makes it seem like an ultimate destination, something we must strive for and hold onto, but in reality, happiness is momentary, just like sadness, anger, or fear.

    What Does Happiness Feel Like in the Body?

    Happiness manifests physically in many ways:

    • A lightness in the chest
    • Relaxed muscles
    • A genuine smile or laughter
    • Increased energy
    • A sense of warmth or excitement
    • A release of stress or tension

    Just as we notice the tension of anxiety or the heaviness of sadness, recognizing happiness in the body can help us appreciate it when it arises, even if only briefly.

    How to Cultivate Happiness

    Since happiness is fleeting, the focus shouldn’t be on trying to make it last forever, but rather on creating space for it to naturally occur. Some ways to invite happiness into daily life include:

    • Gratitude: Acknowledging small joys, like a warm cup of coffee or a kind conversation.
    • Mindfulness: Being present in the moment rather than waiting for happiness to come later.
    • Connection: Spending time with loved ones and engaging in meaningful conversations.
    • Engaging in Enjoyable Activities: Doing things that bring natural enjoyment, such as hobbies, music, or nature walks.

    Rethinking Happiness: The Role of Contentment

    Happiness is often presented as the ultimate goal, yet it remains fleeting—arriving in bursts, then fading. Unlike emotions like fear or anger, which serve clear survival purposes, happiness doesn’t seem essential for protection or problem-solving. So, what is its purpose?

    Perhaps happiness isn’t meant to be constant. Instead, it is the peak of an emotional wave, while contentment is the steady ground beneath it. Instead of chasing happiness as an all-or-nothing state, we might focus on cultivating contentment—a lasting sense of peace and balance. Contentment doesn’t mean life is perfect; it means we are okay even in the midst of challenges. It allows us to experience happiness when it comes, without the pressure to make it stay.

    Happiness can be big and loud—laughter, excitement, joyful energy. But it can also be small and quiet—a smirk, the warmth of the sun after a storm, the first sip of coffee. Happiness, in any form, is valid. Instead of asking, “Am I happy?” maybe the real question is, “Am I content?” Because contentment can carry us through even the hardest moments, making space for happiness to visit—without needing it to stay.

    *As a side note, I feel a conversation on joy might need to come into play eventually, but for now, we can begin to notice these few main emotions and investigate them with curiosity.

  • Lucy, The Unexpected Ally

    Lucy, the Unexpected Ally

    This is Lucy. She was a cellar spider that lived in our dining room. The first time I noticed her, my immediate reaction was fear—I wanted her gone. But then, I saw what she was doing.

    Lucy had captured a harlequin lady beetle, better known as an Asian beetle. These invasive pests are everywhere in the upper Midwest, especially in the fall. They bite, they smell, and they always seem to find their way inside. But Lucy, with her messy, disorganized web, had managed to catch one—one less beetle for me to vacuum up.

    At the time, my kids were just toddlers, and like me, they were afraid of spiders. But instead of passing my fear down to them, I chose to break the cycle. We watched Lucy together, learning about her instead of fearing her. I told them how cellar spiders are harmless and actually help keep other pests in check. And just like that, Lucy wasn’t a scary, unwanted guest anymore—she was part of the house. We even gave her a name.

    Sometimes, the things we fear have a purpose. And when we take the time to learn about them, that fear can begin to fade. Of course, it’s easier with something tangible—like a spider—but the same idea applies to the fears we carry inside. If we lean in, just a little, and try to understand them, maybe they won’t seem so scary after all.

  • Emotional Regulation: Fear

    Getting To Know Fear

    Fear is an interesting emotion; it can arise from a legitimate situation or a perceived threat. This makes fear a very complex emotion. In many ways, fear acts like an internal alarm system. The brain sends signals to the body, prompting automatic reactions. Most people are familiar with the fight-or-flight response, but there are also two other reactions: freeze and fawn.

    Fear is highly individualized. Some people seek it out—watching horror movies or chasing adrenaline through thrill-seeking activities. Others, like me, prefer to avoid it. I don’t even enjoy watching others engage in stunts, and even just seeing a trailer for a horror film can give me nightmares. This is where curiosity and noticing come into play.

    When we notice a threat, real or imagined, our body responds automatically: we might start to sweat, our hands may feel clammy, our heart races, and our breathing becomes shallow. For some, these sensations can trigger an anxiety or panic attack. Fear, when unchecked, can also manifest into phobias or generalized anxiety. It can stem from past experiences, trauma, or the fear of losing control.

    How to Cope with Fear

    This is where noticing becomes a valuable tool. I once had friends who loved horror movies. Thinking I could handle it, I joined them to watch Thinner by Stephen King. That decision led to months of nightmares. I realized that scary movies are not for me. The emotional rollercoaster and lingering effects weren’t worth it. Through noticing, I also discovered that haunted houses and jump scares are not my thing—I hate being scared.

    Coping with fear is a challenge. I try my best to remind myself to breathe and, if a situation is too overwhelming, I give myself permission to leave. Those who experience anxiety, panic, or PTSD might be more sensitive to fear, making it even more crucial to develop coping strategies.

    Interestingly, I’ve noticed that when a real threat arises, my body responds in different ways. If the threat involves someone I love, I am ready to fight. If the threat is directed at me, I have sometimes found myself fawning—a response shaped by past experiences. One thing I know for sure: the more I focus on fear, the bigger it becomes.

    Preparing for Fear Without Letting It Take Over

    Just like we prepare for tornadoes in the Midwest—having a safety kit, knowing where to take shelter, and staying weather-aware—we can also prepare for fear in healthy ways. The key is balance. Refreshing the radar every two minutes during a storm crosses into obsession, just as avoiding driving all winter might be letting fear take control. Preparation is empowering, but when fear dictates our actions entirely, it becomes limiting.

    Here are some ways to prepare for fear without letting it rule your life:

    Key notes

    1. Have a Fear Plan
      Just like an emergency plan for severe weather, you can create a plan for situations that trigger fear. Ask yourself:
      • What is my fear telling me?
      • What steps can I take to feel safer?
      • Who can I reach out to for support?
      • What is within my control, and what is not?
    2. Ground Yourself in Reality
      Fear thrives in uncertainty. If you find yourself caught in a spiral of what-ifs, try grounding techniques:
      • Five Senses Check-in: Name five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.
      • Fact vs. Fiction: Ask yourself, “What are the actual facts, and what is my fear assuming?”
    3. Take Incremental Steps
      If fear is stopping you from doing something, break it down into small, manageable steps. For example:
      • If driving in winter terrifies you, start by taking short, local drives on clear days and gradually build your confidence.
      • If social anxiety keeps you from attending events, start with brief interactions and build from there.
    4. Set Boundaries with Fear
      It’s okay to acknowledge fear, but it doesn’t have to dictate your choices. Think of it as setting a boundary:
      • Healthy Fear: “I won’t drive in an ice storm because it’s unsafe.”
      • Fear Taking Over: “I won’t drive at all this winter because something bad might happen.”
    5. Practice Self-Compassion
      Fear isn’t weakness—it’s a natural response. Instead of judging yourself for being afraid, try saying:
      • “It’s okay to feel this way.”
      • “Fear is trying to protect me, but I am safe.”
      • “I can make choices that support both my safety and my growth.”

    By preparing for fear the same way we prepare for storms—thoughtfully, without obsession—we can navigate life’s uncertainties with more confidence and resilience.

    Tune in tomorrow as I share more of my personal walk with fear..

  • Emotional Regulation: Anger

    Getting to Know Anger

    If I were to ask you what makes you angry, you could probably come up with a long list—politics, relationships, pet peeves, and so on. Most of us can easily identify external triggers.

    If I were to ask what anger looks like, you might list things like furrowed brows, crossed arms, yelling, slamming doors, or even physical violence. And while these are common expressions of anger, they aren’t anger itself. They’re reactions to anger—patterns we’ve learned over time.

    But what if we could break those patterns? Through emotional regulation, we can learn to recognize anger as it arises and remain calm enough to respond rather than react.

    Think about a time when anger led to an automatic reaction:

    Imagine you’re driving, and another car suddenly cuts you off, forcing you to slam on the brakes. If you’re anything like me, your instinct might be to lay on the horn, throw up a middle finger, yell profanities, and maybe even tailgate out of frustration—only feeling relief once they’re out of sight. 

    Sound familiar?

    Believe it or not, this reaction isn’t necessarily healthy. Many of us react this way because we’ve seen it modeled around us. But these automatic reactions don’t actually help—they just keep us stuck in cycles of stress and frustration. Emotional regulation gives us a different choice: to notice anger, understand its purpose, and respond intentionally rather than impulsively.

    Why Do We Feel Anger?

    Anger is a protective emotion. It shows up when we feel wronged, threatened, unheard, disrespected, or when something feels unfair. Anger can also reveal what we’re passionate about—what matters to us.

    Using the driving example, anger could stem from:

    • A sense of threat—your safety (or that of your loved ones) was put at risk.
    • A need for control—you were following the rules, and someone else wasn’t.
    • A feeling of unfairness—why should you have to slam on the brakes because of their carelessness?

    The truth is, anger, frustration, and irritation all serve a purpose. But if we’re not careful, unchecked anger can lead to reactions that create more harm than good.

    What to Notice

    One way to start regulating anger is by noticing how it feels in your body before it fully takes over.

    These physical changes happen before we lash out. And that’s where we have power—by catching anger in this stage, we can shift from reacting to responding.

    Anger often brings subtle physiological shifts—like early warning signs from your body:

    • Increased heart rate
    • Shallow, huffy breathing
    • Rising blood pressure
    • Clenched teeth or tight muscles
    • Flushed face or increased body heat
    • Shaking or even unexpected tears

    Shifting the Pattern

    Once we recognize anger’s early signs, we can choose how to respond. Here’s what that might look like in real time:

    🚗 A car cuts you off.
    😤 You feel anger rising—your heart pounds, your face gets hot, your muscles tense.
    🛑 Instead of reacting impulsively, you pause.
    💨 You take a deep breath.
    🤔 You think: “That was rude, but I’m glad my brakes work. Maybe they weren’t paying attention. Either way, I’m safe.”
    🎶 You turn up the music, focus on your driving, and let it go.

    By choosing to respond instead of react, you keep yourself emotionally regulated—and, more importantly, you keep yourself safe.

    And here’s the thing: your anger is still valid. That driver was careless. It is frustrating. But instead of letting them control your emotional state, you take control of your own reaction.

    Anger in Relationships

    Road rage isn’t the only place we see automatic anger reactions. Relationships—whether with friends, family, or coworkers—are occasionally a potential trigger for anger.

    Instead of getting stuck in yelling, debating, or escalating arguments, we can practice a simple but powerful tool: pausing the conversation.

    “Hey, I’m noticing that I’m feeling really elevated right now. I want to stay level-headed because this conversation is important to me. I need to take a short break, and we can pick this back up soon.”

    Stepping away allows your body to reset so you don’t say something you regret. During that time, you can:

    • Drink some water
    • Go for a short walk
    • Eat something (low blood sugar affects mood!)
    • Take deep breaths

    Final Thoughts

    Our patterns can change over time. The only way to practice emotional regulation is by experiencing these emotions in real time and choosing new responses.

    Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing personal reflections on my own anger patterns—how they used to look and how they’ve changed. Stay tuned.

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  • Laying The Foundation

    Before We Dive In

    I am excited to share skills and tools with you, fellow readers, but before we dive in, it’s important to lay some groundwork. No structure can stand without a sturdy base, and I strongly feel it’s worth taking the time to build that foundation. This blog is not a place for quick fixes or simple solutions—it’s about meaningful, sustainable growth.

    When I talk about laying the groundwork, I don’t mean core beliefs or values—that’s the foundation of you as a person, and we’ll explore those topics later. For now, I’m talking about the foundation for growth: a willingness to notice, a spark of curiosity, and the practice of observing without judgment. These three elements are all you need to start. You don’t need to be happy or have anything figured out.

    Noticing, Curiosity and Non-Judgement

    What then is noticing? I mean developing the ability to pause and simply observe your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without immediately reacting. Non-judgment means acknowledging what you notice without labeling it as good or bad—just letting it exist. And curiosity? That’s the spark that encourages you to explore what you notice, to ask yourself questions like, ‘Why am I feeling this way?’ or ‘What might this be telling me?’

    These three skills are the foundation for growth because they help us slow down, become more present, and create space for change. They lay a foundation that allows you to understand yourself better and make informed decisions about your mental health. In future posts, we’ll explore each of these in more detail, with practical tips to help you incorporate them into your life.

    Being Swept Away

    For the longest time, I felt like I was being carried along by a current—no line of sight, no equipment, just being swept away. I bumped into anything in my path, not even caring if it hurt. There were moments I struggled to breathe, even hoping the water would pull me under so everything could end.

    But there came a moment—a small but pivotal moment—when something inside me stirred. It wasn’t a grand epiphany or a sudden surge of strength. It was just the tiniest flicker of courage, enough to make me wonder: What if I could get out of this river? I didn’t have tools, and I had no idea what lay beyond the banks. But even with all that uncertainty, I decided to fight the current and forge my own path. The road ahead was unknown, but for the first time, I made a choice. And that choice changed everything.

    Looking back, I can see how starting with those three foundational skills—just noticing, being curious, and holding back judgment—helped me begin to shift. They didn’t fix everything overnight, but they gave me something to hold onto, a way to start navigating the current instead of being pulled under by it.

    Growth Is A Process

    Our culture thrives on instant gratification: “I tried it for five minutes, and it didn’t work, so it must not work for me.” This mindset keeps us stuck. Growth is a process—it takes time, effort, and yes, even failure. But I don’t want this reality to discourage you. Instead, I hope to share my process—moving from oblivion about my mental and emotional needs to intentionally applying these skills, even when I stumbled or fell off track.

    It’s not about perfection. It’s about showing up, trying, and making adjustments along the way. It took me seven years to go from despair to thriving, and I want to be real about that journey. Your personal growth is worth the time and effort it takes to build this foundation.

    So let’s start with the basics. I’ll break things down one idea at a time, moving deliberately and intentionally. These skills can feel slow at first, but they create a foundation that will support everything that comes next. You are worth the effort it takes to build a better life—and I’ll be here to guide you every step of the way.

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