Peer Reflections

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  • Rage Monster

    Rage Monster

    With Its mouth open wide, we’re already inside before we realize it.

    Don’t let it eat you.

    Don’t let it swallow you whole.
    Once you’re in the belly, it’s harder to crawl out.
    The darkness, the familiarity, might feel like comfort,
    but don’t fall for the tricks of the old self.

    Challenge those patterns.
    Rise.
    Even if it’s just for yourself.

    Digital Creation by Shannon

  • The Messy Middle of Anger

    Peer Reflection:

    Looking back, I rarely remember what the arguments were about, just the intensity of the anger, how it hijacked my body, and the shame that followed. I remember the heaviness. The lashing out. The aftermath of emotional wreckage, like I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize.

    I didn’t know how to name emotions. I didn’t know how to sit with discomfort. I only knew how to explode or escape.

    For me, anger wasn’t just yelling. It was numbing with alcohol and drugs. It was self-harm. It was shutting down and running away. Anything to avoid the more painful emotions hiding underneath: grief, fear, loneliness, rejection. I didn’t feel heard. I didn’t feel like I mattered. And when rage took over, I felt ashamed of the destruction, yet unsure how to stop it, almost like I didn’t understand what was happening, or how I lost control so easily.

    The Turning Point

    The turning point came when I began noticing how my reactions and outbursts were affecting the people around me.

    When I first started trying to change, it felt so uncomfortable. Even now, writing about it, I’m squirming in my chair. Starting a new pattern is awkward. It can feel like you’re betraying yourself. That’s why so many people stay stuck.

    When anger rises and the thought enters your mind, “This is anger,” or “I need to take a break,” you’re in the moment of choice. For me, that meant convincing every atom in my body to pause. My rational mind told me to walk away. My emotional mind screamed, “If you stop, the other person wins. The problem won’t get solved.”

    But here’s the truth: that messy middle is where the rewiring begins.

    It all Starts with Noticing

    It started with noticing—recognizing when my body was shifting. A clenched jaw. A hot face. Racing thoughts. I began naming it: “I’m getting angry.” That moment of awareness gave me a sliver of choice.

    I tried taking breaks. At first, I didn’t know how. I’d storm out, slam doors, cry in the bathroom. But slowly, I learned to say, “I need 15 minutes to calm down. I’ll come back when I can think clearly.”

    Did I do it perfectly? No. Sometimes I raised my voice anyway. Sometimes I didn’t return when I said I would. But every attempt planted a seed. I messed up. I tried again.

    Gaining More Insight

    And something surprising happened along the way…

    I realized not everyone could hold space for my emotions, even when I expressed them calmly. Some deflected, gaslit, changed the subject, or blamed everything on me. That was painful, but also clarifying.

    Emotional regulation helped me see who was safe enough to hear my truth and who wasn’t.

    So I kept going. I kept practicing. I learned to take breaks before the breaking point. I learned to speak up, even while flooded with emotion. And most importantly, I learned to sit in that messy middle without letting shame swallow me whole.

    That was The Old Me

    Now, I’m grateful that these old feelings feel foreign. It shows how far I’ve come.

    I remind myself: I am safe. I am calm. I am different. I make healthier choices now.

    The scars the rage monster left behind? They’re still there, just under the surface, but they don’t own me anymore.

    I’ve learned to pause. To notice the rising heat. To respond with intention. I use my voice with care. I take breaks when I need them. I repair when I misstep. I don’t let shame write the story.

    I still have work to do. I can still be sharp. But I no longer explode. I no longer hurt people just to release what I’m feeling.

    That was the old me.

    And now? She’s grounded, aware, and in control.

    And I’m so proud of her.

  • Emotion First Aid: Anger

    Emotion First Aid: When Anger Consumes

    Anger often simmers just beneath the surface. What begins as a mild irritation can rapidly escalate—shifting from discomfort to overtaking our ability to think or respond clearly. The volcano can erupt and splatter heated words and poor intentions like a lava flow.

    Here are a few core skills that can help you pause, regulate, and regain control when anger begins to rise. These skills suggested here will be most effective in interpersonal conversations; talking with a loved one, a friend, or even an employer. The skills listed below work most effectively when we can catch the anger rising. They do require careful communication, while in the heat of the moment, which can make or break the plan. 

    The plan includes four parts: notice when anger is rising, communicate your need to calm down, step away and take a break, and then return to the conversation. This might seem too easy, but of course, all things on paper are easy. It’s when the emotions are elevated that this plan can get a little out of whack. And the hardest part is that the only time we can practice this anger management plan is when anger is present. It takes time to rewire and change our patterns. Try and try again.

    The Plan

    • Notice when anger is rising in the body.
    • Communicate your need to calm down
    • Step away and take a break
    • Return to the conversation

    Notice When Anger is Rising

    The goal during an argument is to express  your frustrations or the thing that upset us, but in a way where we remain in control of our thoughts and emotions. Learning the subtle changes in our bodies as anger rises is the most effective way to tame the rage monster. When we feel our hearts beginning to beat faster, our faces turning hot and breathing that is shallow, this is the time to step in and utilize some skills.

    In a previous post, “Emotional Regulation: Anger,” I shared how anger can show up in the body. In my opinion anger is the emotion we need to become acquainted with and understand how it shows up in our body before we can move skillfully through it before it spirals to rage.

    Communicate Your Need to Calm Down: 

    If you are anything like me, shouting aggressively seems to come naturally to me when anger surfaces.  The end goal is not to let anger take over. So continuing to use a calm voice is a healthy choice. You are allowed and encouraged to express yourself and your emotions, but there is not a reason to raise your voice. Yes it happens, but as soon as we raise our voice we begin to lose control and risk spewing off hateful words that we don’t really mean.  If and when you find yourself in an argument and things are getting intense, try using the phrase, “I am feeling pretty heated, I am going to take a short 15-20  minute break.” 

    If more explanation is needed or the other individual shares that you are walking away or abandoning the conversation you can elaborate more, “this issue is important to me, but communicating my needs clearly and remaining in control of my emotions is just as important. In order to regulate my emotions, I need to take a break.”  

    I will state that it is super important to communicate that you will return to the conversation and set a time, say 15-30 minutes. If you or the other party is still feeling unregulated it is okay to extend the break or even revisit the issue the next day.

    Take a Break:

    Taking a break is a healthy way to allow yourself the time and space to deep breathe and work towards slowing your heart rate and your racing mind. During a short break go for a short brisk walk, tighten your muscles and then release them. Grab a cold drink of water. Basically find a way to change your body temperature and slow yourself down. The body can begin regulating in as little as 20 minutes, but each person is different-some need more time, some need less time. The goal here is to take a break long enough to allow yourself and your body to return to calm.

    Returning To The Conversation

    We are not returning where we left off, things got heated and that’s why we needed to communicate our need to take a break. When returning to the conversation it is always a good bet to openly communicate that you feel calm and ready to return to the conversation, but also to check to see if the other person is also taking the time to regulate themselves. 

    I want to mention that Returning to the conversation is one way to build trust. Resolving the issue is important to maintain and repair issues in a relationship, friendship or with a family member. Sometimes the end result, when compromise and resolutions can’t be agreed upon, understanding and agreeing that maybe we need to agree that we disagree can be an acceptable conclusion or settlement.

    After using some skills and returning to “normal” you can resume the conversation. Sometimes the difficult conversations will escalate again and again, use these skills as many times as you need to keep yourself out of rage mode and spiraling out of control.  At first these skill will feel clumsy and awkward, but with time and practice these skills will come second nature to you. 

    Looking Forward

    Tomorrow I plan to share my own personal journey through these skills- I will give you a little snippet and let you know that during arguments I was so far gone, so out of control that it actually took several attempts to even achieve the skills of communication and taking a break. I had to work backwards. If this sounds like you or you share a similar struggle, tune in tomorrow to see these skills in action.

  • Rage Battle

    Photo by Shannon

    The overwhelming sensation of anger disturbs and disrupts—not just our vision, but our internal balance. When rage takes hold, it can feel like the only relief comes from a volatile eruption of disdain and distress, releasing the tension however we can.

    For a long time, my walk with anger was exactly this—a rush for release, no matter the cost. I didn’t care who I hurt or how I used my words. I lashed out, swirling like a storm, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. This was the old me. 

    But I grew tired of the endless damage control, the aftermath of my internal storm spilling onto others, whether provoked or not. A need to change became undeniable. Anger is heavy. It can consume. But when I stopped fighting it and started listening, I began to understand what it was trying to reveal to me. I had to set better boundaries—not just to protect others, but to take care of myself. I had to learn how to control my anger, to recognize its signals before it spiraled into destruction.

    Looking at this digital piece I created, I feel the weight of it—the ominous, heavy waves of rage.  It feels like a lifetime ago, yet so real. As I reflect on this piece, flashbacks are pulling my attention-images of the old me- but I have the ability to combat these thoughts with the realization that I have come so far, I’ve done the work. I see the transformation- and that is something to celebrate!

    Wanna read more about emotional regulation?

  • My Walk with Anger

    The Old Me

    You might not believe this, but, I was known for my temper—the smallest things used to set me off. Once, while enjoying a beach day with a friend, words were exchanged, and the tension between us escalated. Back then, I didn’t understand the power of emotions or how to calm myself down so I could respond instead of react. And my reactions? They were explosive.

    As we left the beach, the argument continued in the car. I felt trapped and furious. We were both yelling, and I lost control. In a moment of pure emotional chaos, I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the car door, fully intending to jump out of the moving vehicle.

    Looking back, I see that this reckless decision was my desperate attempt to remove myself from the situation. I didn’t have the skills or the understanding of anger—I only knew that when I was upset, my emotions took over, and I said and did things I never truly meant. I was reacting, not thinking.

    This wasn’t an isolated incident. When anger consumed me, I threw things, kicked things, and said horrible words that couldn’t be taken back. It wasn’t until I started learning about emotions that I began peeling back the layers of my anger.

    For the longest time, when the rage monster appeared, I didn’t even recognize the warning signs. I wasn’t aware of what made me angry or how my body reacted until the fight was already over. I didn’t notice my blood pressure rising or my muscles tensing—anger was so ingrained in me that I assumed those sensations were just part of who I was.

    The Change

    That changed when I started working with my therapist. I learned to recognize the subtle signs: my heart beating faster, my muscles tightening, that slow burn of frustration bubbling inside me. I was taught tools—how to walk away, how to remove myself from the situation, how to disengage before things spiraled out of control. Deep breaths, brisk walks, choosing not to see the other person as an enemy.

    I’ll never forget the first time I put these tools into action. In the middle of a heated argument, I paused and said, “I’m feeling elevated. Let’s take a walk and continue this conversation after.”

    The person I was speaking to didn’t take it well. They told me I was avoiding the conversation, abandoning their needs, and that taking a walk was a stupid idea. But in reality, they were angry because they couldn’t control my emotions or my actions like they had expected.

    So I stood up, listened to my body, and took the walk alone.

    When I returned, I felt calmer—ready to continue the hard conversation. But the other person escalated again, raising their voice and growing angrier. That’s when I realized: taking a break worked. I was in control of my emotions, and they weren’t.

    That moment was a turning point. The more I practiced, the more I noticed anger’s presence before it took over. I wasn’t perfect, but over time, the emotional explosions faded. I built healthier patterns.

    The New Me

    And then came the day I knew—without a doubt—that I had control over my anger. A loved one, struggling with deep insecurities, projected their pain onto me. In the past, I would have snapped, lashed out, or fed into the fight. But this time, something shifted. I felt the anger rise… and then it subsided before I even responded.

    I saw the situation for what it was—their pain, not mine. I remained calm, stood up for myself multiple times, and ultimately set a boundary: I needed space to process. That was the breaking point for them. They ended the relationship because they weren’t willing to respect my need for space.

    Losing that relationship hurt. The grief was real. But at the same time, I was so damn proud of myself. I hadn’t gotten defensive. I hadn’t engaged in their anger. I had given them my time, my patience, and multiple chances to work through it. Asking for space wasn’t unreasonable—anyone in my life today would understand and respect that.

    I handled it with clarity, self-respect, and emotional control.

    That friendship ended, but I walked away knowing my worth. Knowing that all the internal work I had done was real. That I managed my anger like a pro.

    And that? That was a victory.

  • Emotional Regulation: Anger

    Getting to Know Anger

    If I were to ask you what makes you angry, you could probably come up with a long list—politics, relationships, pet peeves, and so on. Most of us can easily identify external triggers.

    If I were to ask what anger looks like, you might list things like furrowed brows, crossed arms, yelling, slamming doors, or even physical violence. And while these are common expressions of anger, they aren’t anger itself. They’re reactions to anger—patterns we’ve learned over time.

    But what if we could break those patterns? Through emotional regulation, we can learn to recognize anger as it arises and remain calm enough to respond rather than react.

    Think about a time when anger led to an automatic reaction:

    Imagine you’re driving, and another car suddenly cuts you off, forcing you to slam on the brakes. If you’re anything like me, your instinct might be to lay on the horn, throw up a middle finger, yell profanities, and maybe even tailgate out of frustration—only feeling relief once they’re out of sight. 

    Sound familiar?

    Believe it or not, this reaction isn’t necessarily healthy. Many of us react this way because we’ve seen it modeled around us. But these automatic reactions don’t actually help—they just keep us stuck in cycles of stress and frustration. Emotional regulation gives us a different choice: to notice anger, understand its purpose, and respond intentionally rather than impulsively.

    Why Do We Feel Anger?

    Anger is a protective emotion. It shows up when we feel wronged, threatened, unheard, disrespected, or when something feels unfair. Anger can also reveal what we’re passionate about—what matters to us.

    Using the driving example, anger could stem from:

    • A sense of threat—your safety (or that of your loved ones) was put at risk.
    • A need for control—you were following the rules, and someone else wasn’t.
    • A feeling of unfairness—why should you have to slam on the brakes because of their carelessness?

    The truth is, anger, frustration, and irritation all serve a purpose. But if we’re not careful, unchecked anger can lead to reactions that create more harm than good.

    What to Notice

    One way to start regulating anger is by noticing how it feels in your body before it fully takes over.

    These physical changes happen before we lash out. And that’s where we have power—by catching anger in this stage, we can shift from reacting to responding.

    Anger often brings subtle physiological shifts—like early warning signs from your body:

    • Increased heart rate
    • Shallow, huffy breathing
    • Rising blood pressure
    • Clenched teeth or tight muscles
    • Flushed face or increased body heat
    • Shaking or even unexpected tears

    Shifting the Pattern

    Once we recognize anger’s early signs, we can choose how to respond. Here’s what that might look like in real time:

    🚗 A car cuts you off.
    😤 You feel anger rising—your heart pounds, your face gets hot, your muscles tense.
    🛑 Instead of reacting impulsively, you pause.
    💨 You take a deep breath.
    🤔 You think: “That was rude, but I’m glad my brakes work. Maybe they weren’t paying attention. Either way, I’m safe.”
    🎶 You turn up the music, focus on your driving, and let it go.

    By choosing to respond instead of react, you keep yourself emotionally regulated—and, more importantly, you keep yourself safe.

    And here’s the thing: your anger is still valid. That driver was careless. It is frustrating. But instead of letting them control your emotional state, you take control of your own reaction.

    Anger in Relationships

    Road rage isn’t the only place we see automatic anger reactions. Relationships—whether with friends, family, or coworkers—are occasionally a potential trigger for anger.

    Instead of getting stuck in yelling, debating, or escalating arguments, we can practice a simple but powerful tool: pausing the conversation.

    “Hey, I’m noticing that I’m feeling really elevated right now. I want to stay level-headed because this conversation is important to me. I need to take a short break, and we can pick this back up soon.”

    Stepping away allows your body to reset so you don’t say something you regret. During that time, you can:

    • Drink some water
    • Go for a short walk
    • Eat something (low blood sugar affects mood!)
    • Take deep breaths

    Final Thoughts

    Our patterns can change over time. The only way to practice emotional regulation is by experiencing these emotions in real time and choosing new responses.

    Tomorrow, I’ll be sharing personal reflections on my own anger patterns—how they used to look and how they’ve changed. Stay tuned.

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