Emotion First Aid: Anger

Emotion First Aid: When Anger Consumes

Anger often simmers just beneath the surface. What begins as a mild irritation can rapidly escalate—shifting from discomfort to overtaking our ability to think or respond clearly. The volcano can erupt and splatter heated words and poor intentions like a lava flow.

Here are a few core skills that can help you pause, regulate, and regain control when anger begins to rise. These skills suggested here will be most effective in interpersonal conversations; talking with a loved one, a friend, or even an employer. The skills listed below work most effectively when we can catch the anger rising. They do require careful communication, while in the heat of the moment, which can make or break the plan. 

The plan includes four parts: notice when anger is rising, communicate your need to calm down, step away and take a break, and then return to the conversation. This might seem too easy, but of course, all things on paper are easy. It’s when the emotions are elevated that this plan can get a little out of whack. And the hardest part is that the only time we can practice this anger management plan is when anger is present. It takes time to rewire and change our patterns. Try and try again.

Notice When Anger is Rising

The goal during an argument is to express  your frustrations or the thing that upset us, but in a way where we remain in control of our thoughts and emotions. Learning the subtle changes in our bodies as anger rises is the most effective way to tame the rage monster. When we feel our hearts beginning to beat faster, our faces turning hot and breathing that is shallow, this is the time to step in and utilize some skills.

In a previous post, “Emotional Regulation: Anger,” I shared how anger can show up in the body. In my opinion anger is the emotion we need to become acquainted with and understand how it shows up in our body before we can move skillfully through it before it spirals to rage.

Communicate Your Need to Calm Down: 

If you are anything like me, shouting aggressively seems to come naturally to me when anger surfaces.  The end goal is not to let anger take over. So continuing to use a calm voice is a healthy choice. You are allowed and encouraged to express yourself and your emotions, but there is not a reason to raise your voice. Yes it happens, but as soon as we raise our voice we begin to lose control and risk spewing off hateful words that we don’t really mean.  If and when you find yourself in an argument and things are getting intense, try using the phrase, “I am feeling pretty heated, I am going to take a short 15-20  minute break.” 

If more explanation is needed or the other individual shares that you are walking away or abandoning the conversation you can elaborate more, “this issue is important to me, but communicating my needs clearly and remaining in control of my emotions is just as important. In order to regulate my emotions, I need to take a break.”  

I will state that it is super important to communicate that you will return to the conversation and set a time, say 15-30 minutes. If you or the other party is still feeling unregulated it is okay to extend the break or even revisit the issue the next day.

Take a Break:

Taking a break is a healthy way to allow yourself the time and space to deep breathe and work towards slowing your heart rate and your racing mind. During a short break go for a short brisk walk, tighten your muscles and then release them. Grab a cold drink of water. Basically find a way to change your body temperature and slow yourself down. The body can begin regulating in as little as 20 minutes, but each person is different-some need more time, some need less time. The goal here is to take a break long enough to allow yourself and your body to return to calm.

Returning To The Conversation

We are not returning where we left off, things got heated and that’s why we needed to communicate our need to take a break. When returning to the conversation it is always a good bet to openly communicate that you feel calm and ready to return to the conversation, but also to check to see if the other person is also taking the time to regulate themselves. 

I want to mention that Returning to the conversation is one way to build trust. Resolving the issue is important to maintain and repair issues in a relationship, friendship or with a family member. Sometimes the end result, when compromise and resolutions can’t be agreed upon, understanding and agreeing that maybe we need to agree that we disagree can be an acceptable conclusion or settlement.

After using some skills and returning to “normal” you can resume the conversation. Sometimes the difficult conversations will escalate again and again, use these skills as many times as you need to keep yourself out of rage mode and spiraling out of control.  At first these skill will feel clumsy and awkward, but with time and practice these skills will come second nature to you. 

Looking Forward

Tomorrow I plan to share my own personal journey through these skills- I will give you a little snippet and let you know that during arguments I was so far gone, so out of control that it actually took several attempts to even achieve the skills of communication and taking a break. I had to work backwards. If this sounds like you or you share a similar struggle, tune in tomorrow to see these skills in action.